When you feel gaslighted by the Mormon Church

You write a blog post about it! 

I feel gaslit every 6 months when the LDS church holds their semi-annual conference for their active, believing members. I am transported back to another time in my life when I treated conference like a mormon Super Bowl and 110% participated. Conference felt highly anticipated. An opportunity to hear the Lord's mouthpiece speak? We sat on the edge of our seat to hear the "uplifting, edifying and motivating" messages. The more I prepared for the messages, studied the words and applied them to my life I would be blessed. Plus, the traditional games, foods and treats that go with the long conference weekend were memorable and comforting.  

I've been on both sides now. I do not watch general conference or look forward to it. I was taught that the words spoken at conference by the Lord’s apostles and prophet become doctrine, they become like scripture. They share words we need to hear at this specific time on Earth. Right? 

So now, twice a year, my loved ones tune in to watch and listen to conference. Men (and maybe 1-2 women) will inaccurately discuss me and tell my friends and family what to think and how to feel about me.

I am to be avoided and shunned. 1

Never seek counsel from me.2

I should fear for my safety. 3

I am a weak leak and I will not be with my family for eternity. 4

I will never know “joy”. 5

I am lost. 6

I will experience long term consequences. 7

I am deceived and a follower of Satan. 8

I am foolish and self-centered.9

I am living a lesser and lower life.10

I am lazy.11

I have no morals or values.12

and many more.

Would these statements deeply hurt you?

I am labeled and described as these things because I have chosen to not believe the same as those who listen to conference. The pattern of these words, phrases, rhetoric have always been there. As an impressionable child, teenager and young adult I soaked up these words. We could dive into circular reasoning and mental gymnastics to make sense of these quotes.

My only question is, why does any of this have to be said in the first place?

How does the LDS church benefit from saying these things? Why do these men use their position of authority to invalidate, discredit and vilify a group of people? Is it to convince another group to stay by using language that instills fear, shame and guilt? When you realize the goal of general conference is to keep it’s members attached to the church, everything they say makes more sense.

RESOURCES

1

“Avoid those who would tear down your faith. Faith-killers are to be shunned. The seeds which they plant in the minds and hearts of men grow like cancer and eat away the Spirit.” —Carlos E. Asay, October 1981 General Conference

2

“There is no end to the adversary’s deceptions. Please be prepared. Never take counsel from those who do not believe.” — Russell M. Nelson, October 2023 General Conference

3

“Keep your covenants and you will be safe. Break them and you will not.” —Boyd K. Packer, October 1990 General Conference

4

“You know that families can be eternal. Why put yours at risk? Don’t be the weak link in this beautiful chain of faith you started, or you received, as a legacy. Be the strong one.” —Carlos A. Godoy, October 2023 General Conference

5

“The unrighteous may experience any number of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy!” —Russell M. Nelson, October 2016 General Conference

6

“If you choose to become inactive or to leave the restored Church of Jesus Christ of Lat­ter-day Saints, where will you go? What will you do? The decision to ‘walk no more’ with Church members and the Lord’s chosen leaders will have a long-term impact that cannot always be seen right now” —M. Russell Ballard, October General Conference 2016

7

“They fall away; they apostatize. Tragically, they often experience short-term and eventually long-term unintended consequences, not only for themselves but also for their families.” —M. Russell Ballard, October 2014 General Conference

8

“One loses his testimony only by listening to the promptings of the evil one, and Satan’s goal is not complete when a person leaves the Church, but when he comes out in open rebellion against it”. —Glenn L. Pace, April General Conference 1989

9

“Who among us has not departed from the path of holiness, foolishly thinking we could find more happiness going our own self-centered way?” —Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2023 General Conference

10

“They’re not really happy, huh, Dad?” That statement has become a family joke whenever we see someone doing something we cannot do… They look happy and free, but don’t mistake telestial pleasure for celestial happiness and joy. Don’t mistake lack of self-control for freedom. Complete freedom without appropriate restraint makes us slaves to our appetites. Don’t envy a lesser and lower life.” —Glenn L. Pace, October 1987 General Conference

11

“Lazy learners and lax disciples will always struggle to muster even a particle of faith”.—Russell M. Nelson, April 2021 General Conference

12

“If religion is not there to help with shaping character and mediating hard times, who will be? Who will teach honesty, gratitude, forgiveness, and patience? Who will exhibit charity, compassion, and kindness for the forgotten and the downtrodden?” —Ronald A. Rasband, April 2022 General Conference

Defining Trauma

One important thing I have learned going to therapy is we all have ‘trauma’, including me. But this was hard for me to understand at first. 

I defined personal trauma as something physical (abuse, violence, natural disaster, car accident, etc.) happening to a person.  Based on my definition nothing 'traumatic' had happened to me, only 'life' had happened to me. And in life… Everyone loses a parent eventually. Everyone fails a test. Women struggle to become a mother. As life happened to me I believed I should be able to process it on my own because every other human does it (so I perceived). But I wasn't. This left me feeling broken inside. Why was my brain failing me? It became isolating, frustrating, confusing. I now know I was doing the worse thing I could do, I let my trauma define me for years and let is screw with me – causing so much uncertainty, pain, anxiety and disappointment. 

After my first couple of therapy sessions, I felt like the therapist knew everything there was to know in my 27 years of life (no one else knew the things I shared with her except Eric). I felt like there "wasn't anything there" for her to work with, I thought "sure I have had some issues but good luck connecting it all and fixing me". But she looked at her notes, then looked at me and said, "So A happened as a teenager, then B suddenly happened and was not discussed, then C happened while still ignoring B, then D happened multiple times shortly after trying to figure out C, THEN E happened as you were figuring out C and D and ignoring B?" I replied "yep...". She said “I don’t care what anyone tells you, that IS traumatic". And I appreciated someone saying that more than anything.

                                                                                                                                                            

I learned the concept that there are two main categories to trauma. Big "T" trauma (life threatening) and little "t" trauma (non-life threatening). The key to understanding little “t” trauma is to examine how it affects the individual rather than focusing on the event itself. I now define trauma as an unwelcome event that causes severe stress. Trauma is subjective. Trauma is a normal response to an abnormally overwhelming event. Those 'events' had been a part of me for a long time and brought a lot of unresolved emotions and I had no idea. Trauma lives in the body. I now fully understand that statement as I felt it physically making me sick, controlling me and causing me to not enjoy day to day life. 

As humans we put extraordinary pressure on ourselves to move past our mistakes, pain, loss. We put pressure on ourselves to react and behave a certain way that we believe is expected of us.  We all have unique capacities to handle stress and often pride ourselves in how resilient we can be. It is just as important to acknowledge little "t" trauma and big "T" trauma. Repeated exposure to little “t” traumas can cause more emotional harm than exposure to a single big “T” traumatic event. Empathy and acceptance for the impact of little “t” traumas can be harder to garner because of the common misconception that these events are less significant than life-threatening emergencies. Minimizing the impact of these little “t” incidents can create adverse coping behaviors such as bottling up emotions or attempting to manage symptoms without support. Failing to address the emotional suffering of any traumatic event may lead to cumulative damage over time. So whether you have trauma with a big ‘T’ or a little ‘t’,  know that there is amazing professional help and tools out there!